Words and Tone Do Matter!

You have likely heard the saying, “Sticks and stones can break my bones, but words will never hurt me.”

I disagree with that saying. I believe that the bruises caused by sticks and stones heal much quicker than the deep wounds often caused by name calling. I was made fun of as a young child and into my teen years for my speech impediment and to this day those wounds still rear their ugly head from time to time. My many broken bones and bruises, cuts and scrapes, are all long healed, long forgotten, but the name calling, it still hangs around. Just being honest.

The harmful words that come out of our mouths are sometimes well calculated, fully intended to cause hurt, other times, they just come out in the heat of the moment. And sometimes it is not so much what is said, but rather how it is said that causes hurt.

Sadly, divisive, offensive, and harmful language runs rampant in our culture. We use dehumanizing language (illegals, criminals, aliens, insane) to somehow reduce people to less than human, coded language (trailer park, inner city, diva) to convey negative bias to otherwise neutral terms, and labels (lazy, fat, stupid, gay) which often impact that person’s self-identity and can become ingrained in their psyche.

Words spoken to someone can also bring great encouragement and hope to them. My college football coach, while often critical of on and off the field actions, never once spoke harmful words. His criticism of what we did or did not do motivated us to become better.

When I sat for an interview for acceptance into Vineyard’s ministry school, as I was bumbling my way through telling the director my life’s journey, at some point he stopped me, and said these very words – “Dave, there is something in you that I just love, and even though you don’t believe in yourself, I do.” The trajectory of my life changed in that very moment, and over two decades later those words still sit sweetly in my soul.

When I regularly preached, on the drive home, I would ask my wife for feedback. Regardless of the critique, her words were always honest, shared out of love. They were helpful not harmful. That is why I always asked her.

There are times when things need said that are difficult for the listener to hear. We cannot be afraid to say what needs said, but hard words do not need to be harsh words. Hard words tend to hurt in a helpful way whereas harsh words, they hurt in a harmful.    

The Bible speaks frequently about guarding what comes out of our mouths. Let me share four verses –

 Proverbs 12:18 (NIV) – “The words of the reckless pierce like swords, but the tongue of the wise brings healing.” Swords inflict deep wounds.

Ephesians 4:29 (GNT) – “Do not use harmful words, but only helpful words, the kind that build up and provide what is needed, so that what you say will do good to those who hear you.” Are you a builder-upper or a tearer-downer?

Colossians 4:6 (ESV) – “Let your speech always be gracious, seasoned with salt, so that you may know how you ought to answer each person.” Salt has six functions in food: preservative, flavor, texture, and color enhancer, binding agent, source of nutrients.

Proverbs 16:24 (ESV) – “Gracious words are like a honeycomb, sweetness to the soul and health to the body.” Is there anything sweeter than honey?

So, is what you speak to others seasoned with salt, preserving, enhancing, and helping? Sweeter than honey? Or do your words cause harmful and deep wounds that pierce like a sharp sword? 

  If you are encouraged by this or any of my writings, you can subscribe to be notified by email when I post something new. To subscribe, click here. Once you put in your email address you will then get an email confirming that you wish to subscribe. Thank you.